How is it that I can feel so utterly excluded from my own sex, my own gender. I've spent my entire youth thus far trying to understand what it means to be female, a woman; but to no avail. I wonder now, really, does it even matter anyway?
I don't think I have ever felt "like a woman", whatever that cliche and overly used term even means (how can I strive for something with such a clouded meaning?)
I am more or less comfortable with myself, but tonight it is significantly leaning towards the less. I don't think I have ever found a compromise with my body or how it would be perceived by others, instead choosing to put it out of my mind constantly or hide it to the best of my ability. Oh how we are all so talented at creating such illusions! As Radiohead would put it, "I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul." But why should I desire this so terribly?
I am in love with beautiful women. Everything about them is entrancing. Sensuous curves, eyes that seduce and shine like beacons. I do not feel I belong here! Oh what a description to fall under, what a disconnect I have created.
I do not feel as if I am a woman, or a girl or any particular possibility in-between. And I will have you know, I am most not a man! I do not even feel human at times. This is almost as futile as wishing to be some other animal all together. Outrageous.
What am I even trying to say, to understand? I have always felt that oddity of being alive so sharply. It is just strange, no matter how I look at it, to be alive. I never wanted to belong to a specific category, I do not wish to be the same... but it's times like these when I truly realize just how far from the path I have wandered. Too many of these simplistic categories to fit into that I have made a kaleidoscope of contradictions out of myself.
Collideoscope....