Strange days...
My ex-boyfriend (of three years) apparently stopped by my house today when I was not home. He will be moving in with his father this week so was cleaning out his room. He found something he had meant to give to me a long time ago... something that now, means so much to me. It's a ghost from the past wrapped neatly in a cardboard box. Here to haunt me on gift-giving terms.
The problem is, I have just come back from a night of drinking with my friends, and my current boyfriend is staying the night. As soon as I walked in, the package wrapped so lovingly, sitting on the counter was like a slap in the face. "Shit." I thought to myself, "what is it? What horrible timing for something like this." Unfortunately, the 7 year old girl in me HAD to open it right away.
It was the film camera. The film camera he had promised to give to me about two years ago. Of course, I read his meaningful letter and just began crying as soon as I tore the wrapping off and delved into that box. Oh god. Now my boyfriend knows... and he told me, he fears I still love my ex, Andrew.
Of course I do! I spent three years of my life with him, he was my best friend during those times. I broke up with him out of boredom, out of the need to escape. The desire for real and true love. He just never appreciated me. The only thing is, this past summer.. Andrew was in a horrible long-boarding accident and incurred massive brain damage.
Now, when I talk to him he really is a different person, but at times, he is that same person who was with me those past years. It's so hard! I live my life on a whim usually, doing what comes naturally, and now to have this reminder of the past thrust upon me is so shocking. I live in shadows and distant memories of my own creation, never retaining the full meaning of the actions I have made or things I have participated in. I am easily guilt-ridden and ashamed of what has ever been considered pieces or aspects of my life. I am a procrastinator and do things only when deem'd utterly necessary to do them. Now the time has come again to meet with him and discuss out past.
This is how people who lose someone close to them must feel, when someone dies. When someone is murdered and they seek solace or some kind of piece in closure. I think this is one of the most moving gestures anyone has ever made towards me, I think he understands now how much I meant to him. No... no wait. I only realize now how much he knew I loved him.
I wonder if his heart feels as shattered as mine did when I tore of that wrapping paper. Oh Andrew, why is it that I feel responsible for the terror and torment of your horrific accident and long painful recovery? I was a huge part of your former life and have abandoned you to the wastes.